January 7, 2019
Sitting down to actually write this blog was difficult; Deciding to open myself up to the deep emotions that I am feeling. It’s easier to decide to do one more load of laundry or go do my workout, etc. One of my goals for 2019 is to start my blog. I’ve been a writer since I was in grade school really but haven’t done any serious writing in years. It’s time.
So as many are aware my youngest daughter, Payton, began an internship in Alabama this past August. My husband and I have been so excited for her and honestly in awe of this awesome opportunity. God has called her to be part of an incredible ministry with an amazing man of God as her mentor. This being said, it didn’t make it any easier as her mommy to let her move across the country at only 17 years of age. I kept asking myself and praying “How do I let my baby go?” Here’s the thing: my daughters aren’t really mine – they are God’s. My husband and I have been given the incredible honor and blessing of being their parents, but they were not put on this earth just to be our children. They each have a calling, a purpose, a reason God created them. I couldn’t be more proud of both of my daughters and the incredible women they have grown up to be – and their true love for God and desire to find His will for their lives.
So again, how do I as her mommy, let my baby girl go? Not only has she moved to Alabama for this internship, but she will be moving to Tennessee with her mentor and his family when the internship is over. Payton decided this while she was here for Christmas break. So when she left this last time my heart sank knowing that she was really “moving out” this time. Then comes the GUILT. How can I be so selfish and feel so much sadness when God is doing incredible things in Payton‘s life?? He is moving in her and through her and using her in ways that people twice her age would only dream of experiencing. So that’s the reason for this first blog. Just to be honest and share that letting our children grow up and become amazing adults and go on with their lives isn’t easy. I honestly don’t believe it’s meant to be easy. I always say anything worthwhile in this life is going to be difficult. So yes, I’ve cried a ridiculous amount of tears. I have sobbed and wailed and felt the whole gamut of emotions. I’ve thought about (while crying of course) being pregnant with her, the day she was born, every age and every phase she has gone through. Remembered rocking her, teaching her colors and shapes and how to read. Watching with complete amazement as she took her first steps. Being heartbroken every time she fell down and skinned her knee or got hurt with any physical or emotional way. Wanting more than anything to take away the pain when she had struggles with friends, or losing people that she loved dearly. Wishing I could take away the painful struggles she had to walk through and being there for every step-every tear. I have reflected on the pride and joy I have felt on more occasions than I could list, for her many difficult decisions, amazing accomplishments, incredible gifts and talents. Wondering where all the time went. How could this have gone by so quickly? I’ve laid on her bed in her bedroom crying saying “how can this be all there is? How can it be over? How can my part as her mommy be done?” Here’s the thing, I will always be her mommy. My part will never be “done”. She may not live in my house or even in the same state, but she will always need me for various reasons in various ways throughout every season of her life and I will ALWAYS be there for my daughters. They will always have a place to come home to wherever Scott and I live at whatever age or stage they are in their lives.
I believe all of these emotions, all of my tears, my pain and my joy are healthy and an important part of this season of MY life. I have to admit, over the years sometimes I would forget that I had any purpose in my life other than being Amanda’s and Payton‘s Mommy. At many times it became a huge part or all of my identity. I’m not saying that’s good or bad or right or wrong – it just is what it was for me. Now I find myself trying to figure out in full who I am again. Of course there are many other things that I have done separate from my daughters but they were not my focal point. I’ve been spending a lot more time in prayer and meditation and even journaling again. God is opening doors in a variety of areas. But that will be in future blogs.
For now, God has told me I need to take this one day at a time and not be overwhelmed with the thought of my youngest being “gone forever” or anything of that nature. I need to focus on what God is calling ME to do. What will MY next season, the next chapter of my story, look like? Yes of course I need to enjoy every time I get to talk with Payton or go visit her or have her visit us. I need to enjoy every minute I get with Amanda. So this is me seeking God and moving forward one day at a time.
I wish you all God’s love, joy and true peace.
Until next time,
DeAnna
DeAnnaLand 